Children need to be "seen", not "complimented"!

In Chinese families, control is everywhere,
And in many forms, criticism, accusation, praise.
I do it for you, you are everything to my mother......
There is only one kind of trust. I pay attention to what you do, and I trust what you do.
1. Children who are often praised are more worried about failure
Research has found that "complimenting" a child isn't always beneficial. Some researchers asked different children to solve math problems. After solving a set of simple problems, the researchers gave each person a sentence of feedback. Some children were complimented on their intelligence: "Wow, you're so smart!" and others were confident about their efforts: "You worked so hard." The researchers then gave the children a more difficult set of questions. .
Children who are praised for being smart are more worried about failure, they tend to complete less difficult tasks, they are more difficult to persevere when faced with difficulties, they are prone to irritability, and even show a decline in self-esteem - praising his talent actually hits self-esteem .
This sounds counterintuitive to us at first glance. But when we think about it carefully, it is in line with our experience.
While a compliment is comforting, it is still an evaluation. It comes to a conclusion after taking people to a very high place. This "conclusion" is scary. When we are complimented, we often fear that we are not worthy of the compliment, which adds a lot of pressure. Out of pressure, we'd be more willing to repeat the same work: since I've done it so well, why take the risk and try more possibilities?
In more serious cases, we simply do nothing. "You all praise me for writing well, but I don't know how to do it well? I'm afraid I will show my timidity if I continue to write." We responded to the praise by giving up.
If you say to a child, "Wow, your picture is so beautiful!" or praise a child for winning chess: "You are the little chess king!" He will be very happy. But let him draw another frame or the next, and he may hesitate.
2. Praise is more cautious than criticism
In life, people can't help but criticize when they open their mouths. It doesn't seem easy to speak in a "non-judgmental" way.
Evaluation is close to a definitional expression. For it, you can only accept or not accept, but it is difficult to have more malleable discussion. If it is a realistic exchange, it is likely to cause a cold scene: you have already reached a conclusion, what else do we say?
From this perspective, praise is even easier to end a topic than criticism.
Criticism can be refuted anyway: you say I am not good, I do not agree. But what about praise? It is not appropriate to refute, but there is no room for further discussion. Everyone was having a good chat, and I suddenly said, "I think everyone is fine, fine, fine." This would make the atmosphere of the scene chill. To continue talking, just ignore this sentence.
Learn to "communicate without evaluation" 3 The non-evaluative communication style focuses on what's actually happening, not abstract judgments, definitions, and praise or criticism of people.
A teacher who does not evaluate will ask students: "You often don't do your homework recently, what happened?"
And an evaluative teacher would say, "Why haven't you been doing your homework lately?"
The former is concerned with the development of an event, while the latter is merely admonishing.
In the latter case, the teacher doesn't care about the reason at all. He only cares about the characterization of students, and he has already done this, "Admit it! You are a poor student." It seems to be such a subtext. A distinct refusal odor can be smelled. If you are this child, just bow your head and confess your guilt without saying anything.
By the former expression, we will come closer to the truth of the event. Maybe the student is in some trouble, maybe he has some new ideas recently, or maybe he is using this behavior to convey a certain attitude, or maybe there is something else.
When we take a non-evaluative stance, we create space for this information to flow: "Tell me, let me see it, I'm curious about what you're going through." It's a trust, you No excuses, just a simple description of your experience, and that's what we're focusing on right now.
3. All the child needs is to be seen
By communicating without evaluation, we are doing one thing: describing the experience itself. Descriptions of experience seem the simplest, but they are often the most powerful. The cognition and mutual confirmation of things are far more important than the "compliments" given even if they are thoughtless.
Say to the drawing child: "This is the mountain you drew, this is the river, ah, there is a boat in the river, is this man on the boat fishing? Ha, you even drew him a hat! Well, you are here A sun is drawn on the side, and a moon is drawn here, is it day or night?"
- You pay attention to the specific process. There are no positives or negatives in these words, but they will feel that they are being seen. They will be more than happy to discuss with you and more interested in continuing.